Just the Right Amount of Crazy

This has been a very active week in the adoption world for Leslie and I. We have been working hard to finish the final few appointments that we have to complete independently before we can turn in our paperwork.

It began on Tuesday when we had to go and meet with an infertility counselor. Yes, it is as exciting and fun as it sounds. With that under our belts, on Wednesday we were fingerprinted by the F.B.I. so they could further probe into our past lives. I am anticipating that this also comes back clean, and Leslie is indicating the same. However, she does always mention "What if there was a mistake" when we talk about it which has caused me to begin questioning what kind of activities she may have been involved in while living in Chattanooga.

Thursday, however, was by far the highlight of our week. It was on this day that we were scheduled to visit a therapist in Antioch for our psychological evaluation. We assumed that this visit would be to verify we were not crazy, nor that we were secretly hiding other personalities whom we seldom let come out. Contrary to what some may think, we feel rather sane most of the time so I assumed this would be a short appointment were we would answer a few questions, perhaps put together a puzzle, and then be on our merry way.



You can imagine our surprise when the counselor called and asked us to come in two hours before our scheduled appointment for some written test. Two hours!? Written test!? What kind of test could possibly take two hours and still need to be followed by an hour face-to-face interview with Leslie and me? I immediately began to wonder if something had sent a red flag to our agency. Perhaps it was a person who had written a referral for us. Had I pulled one to many jokes? Did I do something stupid one to many times? Did they catch wind that I would have preferred Hillary Clinton to Barack Obama? WHAT COULD IT BE!?



Turns out that the test they administered was normal, and they just had not mentioned it to us in the beginning. Whew! As for now all of our secrets are safe.



We took three test to prove our mental stability today. The first was a series of thirty questions on how we handle stressful situations. I think we did fine, but I am glad he never noticed my fingernails which had recently been completed chewed off.



The second test was a list of twenty adjectives that we had to put a check mark next to if it described us, and then repeat the test for our spouse. Though Leslie and I had to complete it separately, conversations we had afterwards leads us to believe we were very similar in our answers. Two tests down...one to go.



The final test was the doozy. It consisted of 567 (yes, that is correct 567) true and false questions. Sure it was better than 567 essay question or even short answer questions, but it was still daunting and very time consuming, and the small blister on my right hand is my proof.



I will admit that I don't completely know what all they were checking for in this final test. The questions were of a wide range and I had to spend some time thinking carefully about each one. Because Leslie and I are committed to sharing this experience with you, I wanted to let you in on a few of the questions just in case you ever find yourself in this experience. Please remember that this is just a small portion of the 567 questions, but everyone of them are actual true/false questions from the test.

• I would like to be a forest ranger. (I had never really thought about it, but it could be fun)


• No one knows this, but I tried to kill myself (I have a big mouth - trust me you would know)


• I am fascinated with fire. (Heads up, Tara)


• I hear voices when no one else is around (I wasn't sure if hearing mom's voice every time I walk by my unmade bed counted)


• Members of my family have short tempers (I won't tell you what I put, but I did think of Lindsay and the Best Western in Virginia)


• I would enjoy being a singer (who wouldn't?)


• People tell me I walk in my sleep. (Again, Tara...)


• I often worry about locked doors and windows upon leaving my house. (Leslie laughed out loud at this one since my OCD forces me to check the doors multiple times, and now, thanks to the test, the windows, too.)


• People tell me I eat too fast. (I wanted to write, "I'm a Duke; if I don't eat NOW it will be gone!" but there was no space for it)


• I want to cause harm to those I love. (Watch out!)


• I would like to wear expensive clothing. (What kind of question is this? Who doesn't want to wear expensive clothing?)
• At times I feel like swearing. (Does this very instant count?)


• I enjoy repairing door latches. (Believe it or not, I have done this...and, yes, I did enjoy it.)


• I enjoy seeing animals tormented. (Now everyone knows we are not animal people, but I don't want to see them tormented. It's not like I would take a rat I find in my house, catch in a paper bag and stick it under the wheel of my car! I mean come on! Who would do that?)


• I hate my whole family. (I had to mark this one false due to the key word "whole"...just kidding I marked it true)

As I mentioned before, the two and a half hours of testing were followed by an hour interview with two therapist who again wanted to know our story and how we got to where we are today. Luckily, we are getting very good at that part. The therapist never gave us the test results or hinted as to whether we passed or failed, but told us we could see them once they were delivered to our agency. So now we simply sit and wait to see if we are mentally capable of parenting a child. It is comforting to know that crazy people can't have children.....

.....unless they are fertile.

Lesson One: Lingo

As Trey mentioned in the last posting, I can't believe this is where we are. I often look around and feel very confident that, in His all-knowing, all-seeing wisdom, God just got this one wrong. I can sit and smile at that thought now because I realize it is completely ridiculous and wonderfully human, so we are working on the assuming God is right part.


So, as many of you know, I have been a patient for 15 months now, and my precious husband has been at every appointment with me. Going to the doctor every few months to see if this pregnancy will stick, why I am not getting pregnant, and (my favorite) to search for abnormalities in my DNA that would prevent reproduction. After countless blood draws, uncomfortable exams, and many, many tears, we are no closer to understanding the source of my infertility, a term that, no matter how many times they say it at those meetings, stabs you in the gut every time. So, we sit on the cusp of joining a fraternity of people that we know nothing about -- adoptive parents.

I think this blog would be a great place for everyone to share in the learning that we have enjoyed at our meetings. Since few of you readers have experienced the adoption world, I would like to share with you some things that I have learned. Don't worry, if you get "the lingo" wrong, I will not jump down your throat, but, I am surprised at how I have realized the importance of using the correct wording -- for us and our baby. So, some things we have learned: Birth mothers "make an adoption plan" for their children or "choose to parent"; they do not "give up" or "keep" them. I am the "real mother" and Trey is the "real father"; birth parents are called the "biological" or "birth mother/father". You may find it silly that I am teaching you this wording, however you never know when a very sensitive birth mother may take offense as she did with the question posed by the unsuspecting prospective adoptive parent sitting behind us at our fist meeting. That exchange has led to my permanent vow of silence while at meetings. If I have a question, I whisper it to Trey and throw him in front of the firing squad.

As for the process, Trey and I are about to turn in our paperwork, go to our infertility counseling, have our psychological evaluation, and begin our home study. As soon as our home study is finished, we will be "on the waiting list." This means that our agency will send out our profile, which most of you will be in, and we could be selected by a birth mother. This is a thought that makes me want to cry with joy and throw up with fear -- probably not very different from those who have waited for your biological children.

Our prayer right now is that the birth mother feels comforted and guided through this difficult time, the agency sees our heart through the technicality of paperwork and understands our desire to be parents, and our baby(-ies) are protected. God is challenging me to place my concerns with him continually as the prenatal care of my children is completely out of my hands. I can only trust that He will watch over my children for me as I cannot.

The Journey Begins

I am amazed at how often in life we find ourselves in places or situations that we would have never dreamed would be part of our life's biography. I truly believe that most people, rather consciously or not, make a plan for their life and expect that things will follow that plan. However, the more life experiences I have, the more I realize that things seldom, if ever, follow our perfect plans.

The path Leslie and I took to marriage is one of those instances. Looking back on our time growing up together it only seems natural now that we would get married and share our whole lives. Yet had you told either one of us in the year or so before we began dating what lay ahead the thought of it all would had probably brought an "oh yeah, whatever" or at the very least a chuckle. Yet here we are married almost three years, homeowners, and verging ever closer to the end of our twenties.

The concept of things not playing out like you expected is where Leslie and I find ourselves today. For the past 15 months we have ridden the roller coaster of emotions in our attempt to start a family. Never in a million years did either one of us dream that having a biological child would prove difficult for us. I think the assumption was that since we both wanted children so badly and since we would provide a good home it would be an easy process. We knew we would be good parents. Many a night was spent watching "Wife Swap" or "Super Nanny" utterly stupefied at the lack of common sense that it seemed so many people had when it came to raising a child. So when things did not work for us like we had anticipated we were both shocked and confused at what we were going through often times denying that this was really happening to us. We were good people who wanted to raise and love a child and the answer seemed to keep being no.

It was while we were stumbling down this path that we began to feel the pull towards adoption. Again, never having dreamed that we would find ourselves here, we had given it little thought. The more we talked with other couples who had adopted and researched the process, the more convinced we became that this is where God wanted us. Ultimately, we found that adoption was so important that even if we had a biological child adoption would still be in our future.

So we have officially begin walking down the road to adoption. It may not be where we thought we would walk, but, all the same, here we are. We have submitted a formal application, began attending training sessions, and started filling out a mound of paperwork that makes signing for a house look easy (by the way to our dismay babies are not given out as door prizes at the training sessions as we had hoped). We have felt a charge of energy knowing that we have begun the journey of bringing home a baby, a surge of resentment in having to work so hard in proving ourselves worthy of parenthood, and a sense of fear at the shear cost of adopting a child. We have been excited, overwhelmed, emotional, and scared, and we have only just begun.

Our pastor made the comment last week that when you don't understand God it is best to assume He is right. I have a feeling that this very well may become our mantra for this journey. Leslie and I know that He already has a baby (or as we are hoping babies) picked out for us. All the same, it is scary walking down a path that you have never been down before.

The purpose of this blog is to allow each of you to walk this journey with us. So many of you have been such a huge support to us over the past year, and we want to share this part of our lives with you as well. We begin with this first blog entry by asking for your prayers. Not only do we ask that you pray for us and our journey but also for our future child and for the journey the birth mother finds herself or will soon find herself walking.

Our God is a faithful God, and I often have to keep reminding myself that He sees the full picture of our life when we see only a small bit. We are thankful for the journey and for what I know we will learn about ourselves and our God along the way.