As we drove up to Kinko’s, we could feel the anticipation begin. The blue glow of the lights shone on us as we walked through the glass doors of our future. The Kinko’s was more crowded than it has been on previous visits, but that did not dissuade us from completing our business there. As we waited in line, we were seduced by the glow of the 50% off sign, offers to make calendars and coffee mugs, and large pictures left by previous customers. The smell of copier toner wafted through the air. Trey and I patiently waited for our turn. Though unconventional in the baby-making process, Trey and I found ourselves here, at Kinko’s, completing the next step in becoming parents.
As we waited to be helped, we listed as sales associate, Ping, helped Phyllis try to ship her Christmas packages to Guam; she wanted to compare prices with the post office and did not understand why the large refrigerator box could not be shipped to a PO Box. We watched as unhappy customers left with the promise of a reprint in the morning, but we were not discouraged.
Soon we were summoned by Chris and felt confident in his ability to help us with our revised version of the miracle of life. He began opening and converting files with ease paying little attention to the document – unaware of the magnitude of this assignment. This was no sales document he was printing, but with professionalism he printed without comment on the page after page of pictures of Trey and me. He still remained silent as we spoke of the fabulous pictures on the page – one making us look thin, another beautiful, some athletic. We now count Chris as one of our closest friends as he has seen photos of our home – inside and out, all members of both families, and every vacation Trey and I have been on since getting married.
Pleased with the first draft, we approved the printing of six more. We handed him out debit card, and, in exchange, he handed us the final copies of our adoption portfolio. We left, holding not just a bag, but someone’s first glimpse into our lives and the kind of parents we will be. With this final task checked off our list, the waiting begins….
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
(A Sigh of Relief)
Great news! Outstanding News! Can't believe it really happened news!!!!!
Our wonderful mailman left for us today a letter from our adoption agency informing us that our Homestudy had been approved, and we are now officially a waiting family!
Perhaps the best part of the letter was when they said, "We are assuming you are prepared to accept a child at any time." The length of time we will be waiting is totally in God's hands, but knowing that it could be one month or two years will not squelch our joy today! We are so close to getting a child!
This Thanksgiving Leslie and I are thankful that God has provided so much for us and love us enough to grow our family in His unique way.
Our wonderful mailman left for us today a letter from our adoption agency informing us that our Homestudy had been approved, and we are now officially a waiting family!
Perhaps the best part of the letter was when they said, "We are assuming you are prepared to accept a child at any time." The length of time we will be waiting is totally in God's hands, but knowing that it could be one month or two years will not squelch our joy today! We are so close to getting a child!
This Thanksgiving Leslie and I are thankful that God has provided so much for us and love us enough to grow our family in His unique way.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Blessings
Our God is a good God. When He asks you to walk down a certain path, He provides a way even when it seems impossible. He is able, and He does, more than you could ever imagine or dream of. These are all things that Leslie and I have been reminded of and experienced first hand during the last two weeks.
Through something that can only be considered as one of the biggest God events of our lives, He provided for us the resources we needed to be able to pay for our adoption in full. He unexpectedly blessed us not only with financial resources, but with the taking away of any fear of where the means to complete this part of our life’s journey would come from.
Words are not able to describe, and not amount of writing, revising, and rewriting can truly depict how grateful Leslie and I are for this gift (and believe me I have been trying). All I can say is that He has again confirmed for us that not only are we doing what He wants us to do, and that He has a plan in place that is greater than any plan we could have come up with. Today we are more confident than ever that He has a specific child for us to raise and that someday we will see a greater purpose for the pain we have walked though. For now we anxiously await seeing what He has in store for our family.
Perhaps one day I will be able to communicate better what it is we are truly feeling. But for now you will have to simply join with us in standing in awe of a good and gracious God who has poured out blessings upon blessings until our cup truly runneth over.
I can not wait until the day we are able to sit down with our child and explain to him or her all that happened to bring them to us. To show them that God loves us and them so much that He did all of this to make sure we were together, and we were a family.
He gives and takes away
He gives and takes away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name.
Through something that can only be considered as one of the biggest God events of our lives, He provided for us the resources we needed to be able to pay for our adoption in full. He unexpectedly blessed us not only with financial resources, but with the taking away of any fear of where the means to complete this part of our life’s journey would come from.
Words are not able to describe, and not amount of writing, revising, and rewriting can truly depict how grateful Leslie and I are for this gift (and believe me I have been trying). All I can say is that He has again confirmed for us that not only are we doing what He wants us to do, and that He has a plan in place that is greater than any plan we could have come up with. Today we are more confident than ever that He has a specific child for us to raise and that someday we will see a greater purpose for the pain we have walked though. For now we anxiously await seeing what He has in store for our family.
Perhaps one day I will be able to communicate better what it is we are truly feeling. But for now you will have to simply join with us in standing in awe of a good and gracious God who has poured out blessings upon blessings until our cup truly runneth over.
I can not wait until the day we are able to sit down with our child and explain to him or her all that happened to bring them to us. To show them that God loves us and them so much that He did all of this to make sure we were together, and we were a family.
He gives and takes away
He gives and takes away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name.
Monday, October 20, 2008
A Home Study Nearly Up in Smoke
Trey: Whew! Hard to believe as it is, we made it through the home study. The paperwork, references, background checks, medical exams, fingerprinting, and interviews all culminated today as our case worker came to our home for what Leslie and I felt was the ultimate inspection.
Leslie: In truth, we started preparing for this visit with one of the first impulse buys of our marriage – mums for the front yard. Not much of an impulse buy for most people, but if you know my budget-minded husband, you understand.
Trey: It wasn’t the breaking of the budget that made me hesitate the most. It was more fear that a good freeze would come and the first impression our case worker would get would be dead mums in an unkempt yard.
Leslie: Well, the mums aren’t dead, and they even commented on our great landscaping. Last Monday, I started noticing things in our house that I would be mortified if I didn’t fix. You never really realize how dirty a house can get until you undertake the deep cleaning as we did. I began to fear that our house had a “smell” that we didn’t notice and all you people were too nice to tell us about.
Trey: Leslie called her mom in for reinforcements during our big cleaning day yesterday. Although she was a huge help, I did feel like I had put too much pressure on her. I don’t think she knew I was kidding when I told her I would prefer if she not use the guest bathroom once cleaned. At least that’s the impression I got when I saw her asking our neighbor to use theirs.
Leslie: She was pretty scared of Trey. She kept asking me if she had placed all the frames back on our tables correctly. I explained to her that I didn’t know, and I never knew. I live daily with the reality that I don’t know quite the angle at which the frame is tilted on the table, but I reassured her that Trey would be in shortly to correct our mistakes.
Trey: After a long day, however, we were finally done. Our house had been scrubbed from top to bottom, inside and out. I dared the adoption people to try and find a spot of dust, grim, or grease anywhere. We fought the urge to leave our perfect home to spend the night in a hotel, but we did go out for lunch and dinner as the kitchen was immaculate.
Leslie: I was just excited to eat out twice in one day. If you have seen Trey lately, you know we haven’t eaten much at all. I even put some of the leftovers in my purse for later.
Trey: We both woke up extremely early on Monday anxious for their arrival. I went to Panera for bagels (of which they ate none) and returned quickly to rerun the vacuum, clean the counters one more time, and light some candles for a nice aromatic scent. Leslie, however, felt we should blow them out prior to their arrival. The last thing we wanted them to think was that we left open flames going unattended. That would be just too irresponsible. Speaking of…I failed to mention that our preparation yesterday did include a small…or not so small…oven fire.
Leslie: Okay, I really must explain here. We have cleaned our oven before. Each time we carefully read all the instructions and followed them to a T, so I felt confident that I knew what I was doing. Trey was mowing the lawn, and I was cleaning. I took everything out of the oven, and pressed “clean.” Mom and I were scrubbing baseboards, and I noticed Mom’s face had an interesting glow. I also got that cozy feeling you get next to the fireplace. After realizing we don’t have a fireplace, I panicked. I thought, “Okay, calm down. This is what they prepare you for during all those fire safety weeks in school. STOP. DROP. AND ROLL.” As I realized my asthmatic lungs were closing on me, I considered remaining in the house to suffer the consequences because I REALLY did not want to go get Trey. He has always been a wonderful, patient husband, but I knew that this might pass even his breaking point. The fire went out, and all is well….although it may be a while before I am allowed to operate the oven independently.
Trey: Seeing we were completely ready with time to spare we had nothing to do but worry about what we had not done. This led us to the alarming thought that our case workers may not be coffee drinkers. We had no other beverages in the house! Feeling that we would risk too much by doing nothing, Leslie ran to Kroger to pick up a gallon of (the expensive non-generic) orange juice. I will point out again that they gracefully declined any orange juice. (While on this train of thought I will also point out they did not use the good hand soap we bought for the guest bathroom).
Leslie: Yes, I panicked about the orange juice. These people are my only hope for a baby right now. I would like to remind you that most people get to simply have sex for a baby. We have planted mums, cleaned our house, and bought name-brand orange juice.
Trey: Finally they arrived. I am not sure what we were expecting, but much to our chagrin they never even broke out a pair of white gloves. They didn’t notice our sparkling baseboards, they didn’t check out our perfectly straight Tupperware cabinet, nor look in our refrigerator which resembled something from an appliance showroom. If it had not been for Leslie’s quick thinking they may have even gone the whole visit without seeing the inside of our linen closet. Thank God she swung the door open to point out how organized and straight its contents were. They seemed content enough knowing the house was reasonably clean and safe. Since we are so proud of our handiwork we have tossed around the idea of putting our house on the market just so we can have an open house.
During this final interview they did question and inspect our house’s smoke detectors and whether or not we had a fire extinguisher. When we told her we kept our fire extinguisher in our bedroom closet, she suggested that we move it to the kitchen as, “That is where most house fires occur.” My goodness! She was on to us about yesterday. I don’t know which is more embarrassing. The fact that she somehow knew we almost burned down our kitchen or the fact that after that episode we still hadn’t thought of moving it to the kitchen.
Leslie: I was sure that Trey and I know each other very well, but now I can honestly say we have communicated telepathically. He said, “Don’t you dare tell her about yesterday’s fire.” And I thought, “Wouldn’t it be a little funny to tell them about the fire and what a good suggestion moving the fire extinguisher really is.” The response I got from telepathic Trey has been censored for the sake of this blog. Let’s just suffice it to say the story went untold.
Trey: I was relieved when she went on past the fire extinguisher to other questions about our home, thinking it was just a fluke. However, she then asked if Leslie and I had an emergency exit plan in case of a fire. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?! Now I knew she had seen some singe marks we had missed. We were forced to admit to her that no, we don’t have an emergency exit strategy, but we assured her we would work on that immediately. I am not anticipating this will take long as we live in small one-story house. In the words of my sister-in-law, “You can’t swing a dead cat in this place without hitting an exit door.”
Leslie: All-in-all, the visit went well. We are excited to be working with this agency, and they seem to be excited to be working with us. Most of all, we are so excited to be closer to being on the waiting list. We kept telling ourselves we would do this part as quickly as we could, and be out of God’s way so that He can work in His time. We ask that as you think of us, say a prayer for patience, strength, protection, and guidance, not just for us, but for our birthparents, and especially our child. We believe that this journey will end with the child God intends for us. He already knows our child, and we wait for our child…no matter how long that takes.
Trey: One last note…if anyone happens to be in the Murfreesboro area in the next few days, please stop by. We have plenty of gourmet bagels, name-brand orange juice, good hand soap, and a nice, clean smell.
Leslie: In truth, we started preparing for this visit with one of the first impulse buys of our marriage – mums for the front yard. Not much of an impulse buy for most people, but if you know my budget-minded husband, you understand.
Trey: It wasn’t the breaking of the budget that made me hesitate the most. It was more fear that a good freeze would come and the first impression our case worker would get would be dead mums in an unkempt yard.
Leslie: Well, the mums aren’t dead, and they even commented on our great landscaping. Last Monday, I started noticing things in our house that I would be mortified if I didn’t fix. You never really realize how dirty a house can get until you undertake the deep cleaning as we did. I began to fear that our house had a “smell” that we didn’t notice and all you people were too nice to tell us about.
Trey: Leslie called her mom in for reinforcements during our big cleaning day yesterday. Although she was a huge help, I did feel like I had put too much pressure on her. I don’t think she knew I was kidding when I told her I would prefer if she not use the guest bathroom once cleaned. At least that’s the impression I got when I saw her asking our neighbor to use theirs.
Leslie: She was pretty scared of Trey. She kept asking me if she had placed all the frames back on our tables correctly. I explained to her that I didn’t know, and I never knew. I live daily with the reality that I don’t know quite the angle at which the frame is tilted on the table, but I reassured her that Trey would be in shortly to correct our mistakes.
Trey: After a long day, however, we were finally done. Our house had been scrubbed from top to bottom, inside and out. I dared the adoption people to try and find a spot of dust, grim, or grease anywhere. We fought the urge to leave our perfect home to spend the night in a hotel, but we did go out for lunch and dinner as the kitchen was immaculate.
Leslie: I was just excited to eat out twice in one day. If you have seen Trey lately, you know we haven’t eaten much at all. I even put some of the leftovers in my purse for later.
Trey: We both woke up extremely early on Monday anxious for their arrival. I went to Panera for bagels (of which they ate none) and returned quickly to rerun the vacuum, clean the counters one more time, and light some candles for a nice aromatic scent. Leslie, however, felt we should blow them out prior to their arrival. The last thing we wanted them to think was that we left open flames going unattended. That would be just too irresponsible. Speaking of…I failed to mention that our preparation yesterday did include a small…or not so small…oven fire.
Leslie: Okay, I really must explain here. We have cleaned our oven before. Each time we carefully read all the instructions and followed them to a T, so I felt confident that I knew what I was doing. Trey was mowing the lawn, and I was cleaning. I took everything out of the oven, and pressed “clean.” Mom and I were scrubbing baseboards, and I noticed Mom’s face had an interesting glow. I also got that cozy feeling you get next to the fireplace. After realizing we don’t have a fireplace, I panicked. I thought, “Okay, calm down. This is what they prepare you for during all those fire safety weeks in school. STOP. DROP. AND ROLL.” As I realized my asthmatic lungs were closing on me, I considered remaining in the house to suffer the consequences because I REALLY did not want to go get Trey. He has always been a wonderful, patient husband, but I knew that this might pass even his breaking point. The fire went out, and all is well….although it may be a while before I am allowed to operate the oven independently.
Trey: Seeing we were completely ready with time to spare we had nothing to do but worry about what we had not done. This led us to the alarming thought that our case workers may not be coffee drinkers. We had no other beverages in the house! Feeling that we would risk too much by doing nothing, Leslie ran to Kroger to pick up a gallon of (the expensive non-generic) orange juice. I will point out again that they gracefully declined any orange juice. (While on this train of thought I will also point out they did not use the good hand soap we bought for the guest bathroom).
Leslie: Yes, I panicked about the orange juice. These people are my only hope for a baby right now. I would like to remind you that most people get to simply have sex for a baby. We have planted mums, cleaned our house, and bought name-brand orange juice.
Trey: Finally they arrived. I am not sure what we were expecting, but much to our chagrin they never even broke out a pair of white gloves. They didn’t notice our sparkling baseboards, they didn’t check out our perfectly straight Tupperware cabinet, nor look in our refrigerator which resembled something from an appliance showroom. If it had not been for Leslie’s quick thinking they may have even gone the whole visit without seeing the inside of our linen closet. Thank God she swung the door open to point out how organized and straight its contents were. They seemed content enough knowing the house was reasonably clean and safe. Since we are so proud of our handiwork we have tossed around the idea of putting our house on the market just so we can have an open house.
During this final interview they did question and inspect our house’s smoke detectors and whether or not we had a fire extinguisher. When we told her we kept our fire extinguisher in our bedroom closet, she suggested that we move it to the kitchen as, “That is where most house fires occur.” My goodness! She was on to us about yesterday. I don’t know which is more embarrassing. The fact that she somehow knew we almost burned down our kitchen or the fact that after that episode we still hadn’t thought of moving it to the kitchen.
Leslie: I was sure that Trey and I know each other very well, but now I can honestly say we have communicated telepathically. He said, “Don’t you dare tell her about yesterday’s fire.” And I thought, “Wouldn’t it be a little funny to tell them about the fire and what a good suggestion moving the fire extinguisher really is.” The response I got from telepathic Trey has been censored for the sake of this blog. Let’s just suffice it to say the story went untold.
Trey: I was relieved when she went on past the fire extinguisher to other questions about our home, thinking it was just a fluke. However, she then asked if Leslie and I had an emergency exit plan in case of a fire. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?! Now I knew she had seen some singe marks we had missed. We were forced to admit to her that no, we don’t have an emergency exit strategy, but we assured her we would work on that immediately. I am not anticipating this will take long as we live in small one-story house. In the words of my sister-in-law, “You can’t swing a dead cat in this place without hitting an exit door.”
Leslie: All-in-all, the visit went well. We are excited to be working with this agency, and they seem to be excited to be working with us. Most of all, we are so excited to be closer to being on the waiting list. We kept telling ourselves we would do this part as quickly as we could, and be out of God’s way so that He can work in His time. We ask that as you think of us, say a prayer for patience, strength, protection, and guidance, not just for us, but for our birthparents, and especially our child. We believe that this journey will end with the child God intends for us. He already knows our child, and we wait for our child…no matter how long that takes.
Trey: One last note…if anyone happens to be in the Murfreesboro area in the next few days, please stop by. We have plenty of gourmet bagels, name-brand orange juice, good hand soap, and a nice, clean smell.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
A Picture's Worth 1,000 Words...We Hope
Let the cleaning commence! I am happy to report that Leslie and I have completed all of our couple and individual interviews, and we will be having our home study visit this Monday! As you can imagine, we are very excited. This visit will be one of the final steps before we will be added into the book of waiting families. So this weekend will be jammed packed with cleaning, cleaning, and more cleaning. After reading that last sentence you may assume we are generally messy people, but for the most part we are not. However, when you have people coming to inspect your home to determine whether or not a newborn can live there – can it ever be too clean? The case workers assure us it is not a white glove test, but come on…really? What they say they will be checking for is to make sure our smoke detectors work and that we have a fire extinguisher, outlet covers, and cabinet locks. Yes, we must baby-proof our house for a toddler now even though we will most likely not even get our newborn for quite a while. However, it truly is a small price to pay to be nearly completed.
We are also attempting to finish up our family portfolio. Summing up your entire life, marriage, interest, family, personalities, and life you could provide a child in 6 - 8 pages has proved to be a little more daunting than expected. We want to make sure each picture shows only the best, loving, happy, caring, normal, patient, fun, peaceful, energetic, Godly, educated, funny, well-read, well- traveled, attractive, stable, and non-crazy life we could offer to a little one as this will be the first glimpse they will have into our lives before choosing us. And even though we included a picture of us at a college football game trying to imply we are athletic without outright lying; we did resist the urge to go take a picture of a bigger house.
The more difficult part of the portfolio is the letter we each have to compose to the potential birthparent who will be viewing our profile and then deciding if she thinks her birth child will fit into our family. Expressing your desire to have children and the pain of our own losses is difficult to do to people you know, but even harder when you have no clue who this person is that will be reading it. I guess it just another way of trusting God that you have said the right thing for the right person to read.
We again ask for your prayers this weekend and Monday during our home study. I am sure it will go fine, but as you can imagine we are filled with nervous energy. Leslie is already taking bets on how many times I vacuum before they arrive. And just in case we forget something or say something wrong we will try to woo them with cinnamon crunch bagels and coffee from Panera.
We are also attempting to finish up our family portfolio. Summing up your entire life, marriage, interest, family, personalities, and life you could provide a child in 6 - 8 pages has proved to be a little more daunting than expected. We want to make sure each picture shows only the best, loving, happy, caring, normal, patient, fun, peaceful, energetic, Godly, educated, funny, well-read, well- traveled, attractive, stable, and non-crazy life we could offer to a little one as this will be the first glimpse they will have into our lives before choosing us. And even though we included a picture of us at a college football game trying to imply we are athletic without outright lying; we did resist the urge to go take a picture of a bigger house.
The more difficult part of the portfolio is the letter we each have to compose to the potential birthparent who will be viewing our profile and then deciding if she thinks her birth child will fit into our family. Expressing your desire to have children and the pain of our own losses is difficult to do to people you know, but even harder when you have no clue who this person is that will be reading it. I guess it just another way of trusting God that you have said the right thing for the right person to read.
We again ask for your prayers this weekend and Monday during our home study. I am sure it will go fine, but as you can imagine we are filled with nervous energy. Leslie is already taking bets on how many times I vacuum before they arrive. And just in case we forget something or say something wrong we will try to woo them with cinnamon crunch bagels and coffee from Panera.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
The Hokey Pokey
When we started this blog, we thought that we would both write in it, but I quickly recognized that my husband’s quick wit and unique humor (for which I fell in love with him) greatly outshined any ability I have for writing. And, I think I didn’t realize how difficult it would be to express my feelings about all this.
So, I thought, “When I have something to write, I’ll write. Until then, I will let Trey express how we are feeling as a couple on this journey.”
First of all, I love that we are calling it a journey. That is what the agency keeps calling it; that is how the “adoption people” always refer to it. More often than not, I feel like we were on a journey – we were going to have a family the old fashioned way— Trey had the itinerary ready, our bags were packed, and the camera was around our neck, but that ship sailed without us. Now, we are left trying to find another way to our destination -- our luggage is lost; we are tired and irritable; someone stole our camera, and I just want to get there already. “Journey” sounds much nicer, though, and I know that once we get where we are going, we will LOVE that we have this story to tell. Sort of like Lara, my sister, whose husband forgot to pack her clothes for their honeymoon cruise. She was mad, but I know, secretly, she enjoys telling the story that she got from it.
Most of the time I am okay. Really. Trey and I have a wonderful life together. We laugh, we love doing the same things, we explore new places, we read, we talk, we play with other people’s kids and hand them back when their diaper is dirty…we are truly happy. Most of the time this is just a nagging thought in the back of my mind. Not because I don’t desperately want a child but because there is nothing that I can do to make that happen sooner. One thing I have learned is you can only do so much, then it is up to God.
However, today I saw a concrete manifestation of my deep and powerful desire for a baby, and it nearly knocked the breath out of me.
I was sitting on a weight machine at the Y. Although I work out just about everyday, most of you know that I would rather go…well anywhere else. I was resting between sets (see it sounds like I know what I am doing there), and I looked out into the lobby of the Y. It was almost 5:00, and people were getting off work to bring little ones to their indoor soccer tournament. One mother in particular caught my eye as she was struggling to put a uniform on one child and wrangle the other smaller ones in. As she put the uniform on her daughter, a little boy stood behind her waiting. Suddenly, a smile broke across his face, and he began singing (I couldn’t hear what he was singing, but we all know the words). He started with his right foot in and his right foot out. I caught on when his right foot was “shakin’ all about.” He proceeded to do the entire Hokey Pokey – arms, legs, head, even rear end entered and exited the imaginary circle. He must have been to the skating rink lately because his movements were shaky as though he was attempting this on skates.
I don’t know what it was about the Hokey Pokey boy in particular that made that stabbing pain of wanting a child so badly shoot through me in that too familiar way, but I do know I promised myself that my children would feel safe and happy enough to do the Hokey Pokey in the middle of the lobby at the Y or anywhere else without a care in the world.
So, I thought, “When I have something to write, I’ll write. Until then, I will let Trey express how we are feeling as a couple on this journey.”
First of all, I love that we are calling it a journey. That is what the agency keeps calling it; that is how the “adoption people” always refer to it. More often than not, I feel like we were on a journey – we were going to have a family the old fashioned way— Trey had the itinerary ready, our bags were packed, and the camera was around our neck, but that ship sailed without us. Now, we are left trying to find another way to our destination -- our luggage is lost; we are tired and irritable; someone stole our camera, and I just want to get there already. “Journey” sounds much nicer, though, and I know that once we get where we are going, we will LOVE that we have this story to tell. Sort of like Lara, my sister, whose husband forgot to pack her clothes for their honeymoon cruise. She was mad, but I know, secretly, she enjoys telling the story that she got from it.
Most of the time I am okay. Really. Trey and I have a wonderful life together. We laugh, we love doing the same things, we explore new places, we read, we talk, we play with other people’s kids and hand them back when their diaper is dirty…we are truly happy. Most of the time this is just a nagging thought in the back of my mind. Not because I don’t desperately want a child but because there is nothing that I can do to make that happen sooner. One thing I have learned is you can only do so much, then it is up to God.
However, today I saw a concrete manifestation of my deep and powerful desire for a baby, and it nearly knocked the breath out of me.
I was sitting on a weight machine at the Y. Although I work out just about everyday, most of you know that I would rather go…well anywhere else. I was resting between sets (see it sounds like I know what I am doing there), and I looked out into the lobby of the Y. It was almost 5:00, and people were getting off work to bring little ones to their indoor soccer tournament. One mother in particular caught my eye as she was struggling to put a uniform on one child and wrangle the other smaller ones in. As she put the uniform on her daughter, a little boy stood behind her waiting. Suddenly, a smile broke across his face, and he began singing (I couldn’t hear what he was singing, but we all know the words). He started with his right foot in and his right foot out. I caught on when his right foot was “shakin’ all about.” He proceeded to do the entire Hokey Pokey – arms, legs, head, even rear end entered and exited the imaginary circle. He must have been to the skating rink lately because his movements were shaky as though he was attempting this on skates.
I don’t know what it was about the Hokey Pokey boy in particular that made that stabbing pain of wanting a child so badly shoot through me in that too familiar way, but I do know I promised myself that my children would feel safe and happy enough to do the Hokey Pokey in the middle of the lobby at the Y or anywhere else without a care in the world.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Thus sayeth the Lord ...quit your belly-aching
Well, we should have known.
Had I just waited a few more days to post the last blog it would have had a very different feel to it. Today (yes, the first business day after posting the last blog) we received an email from our case worker to discuss potential dates for setting up our first homestudy interview.
As you can imagine we are very excited. The first of the 3 interviews will be next Monday, September 15th. Say a little prayer if you think of us, and we will keep you posted.
So, once again, God steps in just when we think we can take no more...and at just the right time. You really would think we would learn.
We would appreciate it if you would remind us of this in the future if...erh...when we again become impatient.
Had I just waited a few more days to post the last blog it would have had a very different feel to it. Today (yes, the first business day after posting the last blog) we received an email from our case worker to discuss potential dates for setting up our first homestudy interview.
As you can imagine we are very excited. The first of the 3 interviews will be next Monday, September 15th. Say a little prayer if you think of us, and we will keep you posted.
So, once again, God steps in just when we think we can take no more...and at just the right time. You really would think we would learn.
We would appreciate it if you would remind us of this in the future if...erh...when we again become impatient.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Now serving number 203...number 203...
First of all, I will start by apologizing for the absence from writing that has occurred. To be honest, I wish I could say that the reason behind no new blog entries is how busy we are at work. I would love it if I could point to a new school year with a new class and Leslie's new position at her school, but I can't. No, we have not been too busy as I wish. The truth of the matter is that since our last entry in July nothing has happened. Yes...nothing has happened. Leslie and I worked hard this summer to make sure we finished our paperwork and could turn everything in prior to the start of school, and we accomplished this. What we did not expect was the wait that we are now having to endure for the agency to pick up our paperwork out of the pile of applicants. We were told when we turned it in that there were 6 families ahead of us that had to be processed before they would begin on any new families, but I don't think either one of us imagined it would be this long before we heard anything or moved to the next step.
If you remember from my last entry, I spoke of the comforting feeling I received from knowing that it was no longer in my hands. I was relieved that we had done all we could do, and we could finally just sit back and let the process roll on as it was suppose to. Yeah, that feeling did not last. We are tired of waiting. We are tired of hearing nothing from the agency. We want a child.
I am sure that sounds almost like pouting, and in a way, that is how I feel. Again, we were anticipating a wait later on in the process once we had finished the home study, but not at this point. And knowing that this is just the first of what is probably going to be several waiting points is not helping the matter.
At times, I feel like we are in this never ending line at the DMV. Sitting in hard chairs, staring at blank white walls, and making small talk with a few strangers who share a common goal - having our number called. If you have experienced this you know that the first part of the wait isn't that bad. You brought a magazine...you balance your checkbook...you go through the contact list on your cell phone and delete unneeded numbers. However, as the wait continues and minutes turn to hours you begin to question the validity of this system. "Why do they only have one employee working for all these people? Don't they know that every driver has to come here? They do this everyday, you would think they would be faster at it." Eventually, your patience is gone, and you begin to despise who you are now convinced is the most incompetent of all governmental employees lurking behind the counter. He has to come here everyday, you think, no wonder he's not in a hurry. As the wait continues you are forced to rethink all you wanted to do that day because you have no clue how long you will sit in this penitentiary of waiting. As a few of the people you have met finally have their numbers flash on the screen you smile and want to be happy for them, but deep down it is just envy.
We went to a meeting about a month ago, and the guest speaker, an adoptive father, spoke about how the wait was part of the experience. He said that you can't short-circuit this part, and it is a time for God to work in you as a couple and prepare you for the arrival of your child. All I could think during his speech was, yeah, easy for you to say as you sit there with your baby.
I don't want to be negative, but it is proving to be a difficult time. Ultimately we know that God is in control, and to be completely honest, I know that when we have reached the end we will look back and see events that were completely and perfectly timed for our benefit. But as for now...we are ready to move on!
We fight daily with whether or not to email our case worker to check on the progress. I guess I am afraid that if we do this she will punish us for our impatience and stick our paperwork at the end of the pile. However, I don't know how much longer we will be able to fight the urge.
So...that is how we feel. It may not be the prettiest of feelings, but all the same it is where we are.
I do want to make clear that we have a wonderful agency, and I know they are not DMV employees. In fact, one of the many reasons we chose to work with this group was due to how efficient they are and what a good reputation they have in the adoption community. We have full confidence in them, and I don't want the tone of this to make anyone think we are unhappy with them. What I do want is to let this be a small light into the world Leslie and I are currently living in. This world of waiting.
I know many of you have told us that you were praying for us during this time, and we continue to covet your prayers.
Who knows how long it will be before the DMV employee will finally call my number? It may be tomorrow, in two weeks, or in two more months. The silver lining is the wonderful fact that I am not sitting here alone. My best friend is with me, and together we are making it through. When the wait gets extremely difficult for me she is there to reel me back in, and I for her.
Leslie and I know that we are very blessed. So many times we look at events or circumstances in our lives and ponder in awe how good God has been. This is what we try to focus our energy on. The thoughts of all He has brought us through encourages us that He will also bring us through this.
We may not know when, but our number will be called. And the best part is that when we are finally able to leave the building we will have a lot more than just a new license.
If you remember from my last entry, I spoke of the comforting feeling I received from knowing that it was no longer in my hands. I was relieved that we had done all we could do, and we could finally just sit back and let the process roll on as it was suppose to. Yeah, that feeling did not last. We are tired of waiting. We are tired of hearing nothing from the agency. We want a child.
I am sure that sounds almost like pouting, and in a way, that is how I feel. Again, we were anticipating a wait later on in the process once we had finished the home study, but not at this point. And knowing that this is just the first of what is probably going to be several waiting points is not helping the matter.
At times, I feel like we are in this never ending line at the DMV. Sitting in hard chairs, staring at blank white walls, and making small talk with a few strangers who share a common goal - having our number called. If you have experienced this you know that the first part of the wait isn't that bad. You brought a magazine...you balance your checkbook...you go through the contact list on your cell phone and delete unneeded numbers. However, as the wait continues and minutes turn to hours you begin to question the validity of this system. "Why do they only have one employee working for all these people? Don't they know that every driver has to come here? They do this everyday, you would think they would be faster at it." Eventually, your patience is gone, and you begin to despise who you are now convinced is the most incompetent of all governmental employees lurking behind the counter. He has to come here everyday, you think, no wonder he's not in a hurry. As the wait continues you are forced to rethink all you wanted to do that day because you have no clue how long you will sit in this penitentiary of waiting. As a few of the people you have met finally have their numbers flash on the screen you smile and want to be happy for them, but deep down it is just envy.
We went to a meeting about a month ago, and the guest speaker, an adoptive father, spoke about how the wait was part of the experience. He said that you can't short-circuit this part, and it is a time for God to work in you as a couple and prepare you for the arrival of your child. All I could think during his speech was, yeah, easy for you to say as you sit there with your baby.
I don't want to be negative, but it is proving to be a difficult time. Ultimately we know that God is in control, and to be completely honest, I know that when we have reached the end we will look back and see events that were completely and perfectly timed for our benefit. But as for now...we are ready to move on!
We fight daily with whether or not to email our case worker to check on the progress. I guess I am afraid that if we do this she will punish us for our impatience and stick our paperwork at the end of the pile. However, I don't know how much longer we will be able to fight the urge.
So...that is how we feel. It may not be the prettiest of feelings, but all the same it is where we are.
I do want to make clear that we have a wonderful agency, and I know they are not DMV employees. In fact, one of the many reasons we chose to work with this group was due to how efficient they are and what a good reputation they have in the adoption community. We have full confidence in them, and I don't want the tone of this to make anyone think we are unhappy with them. What I do want is to let this be a small light into the world Leslie and I are currently living in. This world of waiting.
I know many of you have told us that you were praying for us during this time, and we continue to covet your prayers.
Who knows how long it will be before the DMV employee will finally call my number? It may be tomorrow, in two weeks, or in two more months. The silver lining is the wonderful fact that I am not sitting here alone. My best friend is with me, and together we are making it through. When the wait gets extremely difficult for me she is there to reel me back in, and I for her.
Leslie and I know that we are very blessed. So many times we look at events or circumstances in our lives and ponder in awe how good God has been. This is what we try to focus our energy on. The thoughts of all He has brought us through encourages us that He will also bring us through this.
We may not know when, but our number will be called. And the best part is that when we are finally able to leave the building we will have a lot more than just a new license.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Reality Check
After month and a half of working actively to do all we can do...we have done all that can be done. Tuesday night, Leslie and I elatedly turned in our "Official Paperwork." How is this different than any other paperwork we have turned in, you ask? Allow me to tell you. Prior to Tuesday we had filled out and submitted various preliminary applications which became increasingly more detailed with each passing one. From what I can gather, these prior applications basically showed our agency we were serious about the adoption and made sure that they wanted to work with us. The paperwork we turned in Tuesday was the very large, very detailed, one might even say extremely intrusive paperwork which starts our actual home study process. In a nut shell, it is everything we had to gather and complete for our agency. At our last meeting, the director acknowledged that they require more than other agencies may. Leslie believed this was an understatement saying the only thing they don't know about us is the length of our esophagus. However, I am confident that will also be discussed in upcoming meetings.
The main point of all of this is that it is officially out of our hands. It is now up to the agency to review the materials and schedule the three interviews we must participate in. When all of that is done, they will schedule the actual home visit and come to view our wonderful house. As you can imagine, we have already begun cleaning to prepare for this visit that is probably months away. Yes, that is correct...months away. Apparently it takes quite a bit of time to compile all of the information that we (as well as all the other perspective adoptive families) have sent in. I know as of right now there are at least six sets of paperwork in front of ours that still need to be completed before she will begin to work on ours. Leslie and I are anxious about moving on, but realize that emailing them everyday to see if they have started ours yet is probably not the right move to make. Once all the home study process is complete we will go into the big black book of waiting families! It is then that they will begin to show our profile to prospective birth mothers.
We left the meeting Tuesday very excited about this milestone we had reached on this journey, but at the same time we were subjected to a reality check. The director reminded us that on average a couple is waiting to be chosen anywhere from 18 - 36 months. I think in my head I really thought that we would have a child by next summer, and it very realistically could be longer.
Considering these things made my mind instantly go to the empty bedroom we have in the back of our house.
When we purchased our home we made the very conscious decision to leave our third bedroom empty. This was before we had even started trying to have children, but we knew that once we were in the house that was our next step. And being the ultimate planner, we didn't want to fill it with junk only to clear it out a few months later so we could set up a nursery. So with the exception of an ironing board, empty it sat.
As time went by and we came face to face with our infertility issues we never discussed putting anything in the back room. As if doing that would somehow show we really didn't want a child or that we were giving up altogether. Now, a year and a half into the house, it still remains as the day we moved in.
It's almost comical in some ways. Our house has it share of year and a half old dings that all houses get. Dings in the wall where I wasn't as careful as I should have been, the wear in the carpet indicating the daily trails we take through our house, and the stains on the floor from the nights we chose not to eat at the table. But when you go back to the nursery it is nearly perfect. There are no dings, dents, or spots, and the carpet still looks brand new and fresh.
In many ways, the back bedroom has become a metaphor of our family. An empty space in an otherwise complete house. A spot often unnoticed by the visitors and forgotten about by others. As owners, we would be completely happy living in only the portion we live in now, but still the back room sits yearning to be filled, and we sit yearning to fill it.
Despite the reality that we could be on this road a lot longer then we had hoped, Leslie and I have reaffirmed our decision to leave the nursery empty even if it is for another year and a half. However, our reasons for doing so have changed. We no longer feel that filling it would show a loss of hope or giving up as we once did. Now we understand that no matter what we put in that space it will still be empty. We could cram it with great furniture or an extra bed. We could make it into a game room, workout room, or library. However, any plan for that room would keep it from being what it is suppose to be...a nursery.
Being pregnant with a biological child provides the advantage of knowing approximately how long you will wait to welcome your new one into the world. Although this is a luxury we do not have, what we do have is the knowledge that God's timing is perfect. Leslie and I are confident in many things. One is that God has our child already chosen and another is that we won't wait one more day than we are suppose to. And to the control freak and ultimate planner that lives inside my skin, this is strangely comforting. There is little I can do except let God work and stay out of the way. Something I suspect my wife wishes I would do more often.
The main point of all of this is that it is officially out of our hands. It is now up to the agency to review the materials and schedule the three interviews we must participate in. When all of that is done, they will schedule the actual home visit and come to view our wonderful house. As you can imagine, we have already begun cleaning to prepare for this visit that is probably months away. Yes, that is correct...months away. Apparently it takes quite a bit of time to compile all of the information that we (as well as all the other perspective adoptive families) have sent in. I know as of right now there are at least six sets of paperwork in front of ours that still need to be completed before she will begin to work on ours. Leslie and I are anxious about moving on, but realize that emailing them everyday to see if they have started ours yet is probably not the right move to make. Once all the home study process is complete we will go into the big black book of waiting families! It is then that they will begin to show our profile to prospective birth mothers.
We left the meeting Tuesday very excited about this milestone we had reached on this journey, but at the same time we were subjected to a reality check. The director reminded us that on average a couple is waiting to be chosen anywhere from 18 - 36 months. I think in my head I really thought that we would have a child by next summer, and it very realistically could be longer.
Considering these things made my mind instantly go to the empty bedroom we have in the back of our house.
When we purchased our home we made the very conscious decision to leave our third bedroom empty. This was before we had even started trying to have children, but we knew that once we were in the house that was our next step. And being the ultimate planner, we didn't want to fill it with junk only to clear it out a few months later so we could set up a nursery. So with the exception of an ironing board, empty it sat.
As time went by and we came face to face with our infertility issues we never discussed putting anything in the back room. As if doing that would somehow show we really didn't want a child or that we were giving up altogether. Now, a year and a half into the house, it still remains as the day we moved in.
It's almost comical in some ways. Our house has it share of year and a half old dings that all houses get. Dings in the wall where I wasn't as careful as I should have been, the wear in the carpet indicating the daily trails we take through our house, and the stains on the floor from the nights we chose not to eat at the table. But when you go back to the nursery it is nearly perfect. There are no dings, dents, or spots, and the carpet still looks brand new and fresh.
In many ways, the back bedroom has become a metaphor of our family. An empty space in an otherwise complete house. A spot often unnoticed by the visitors and forgotten about by others. As owners, we would be completely happy living in only the portion we live in now, but still the back room sits yearning to be filled, and we sit yearning to fill it.
Despite the reality that we could be on this road a lot longer then we had hoped, Leslie and I have reaffirmed our decision to leave the nursery empty even if it is for another year and a half. However, our reasons for doing so have changed. We no longer feel that filling it would show a loss of hope or giving up as we once did. Now we understand that no matter what we put in that space it will still be empty. We could cram it with great furniture or an extra bed. We could make it into a game room, workout room, or library. However, any plan for that room would keep it from being what it is suppose to be...a nursery.
Being pregnant with a biological child provides the advantage of knowing approximately how long you will wait to welcome your new one into the world. Although this is a luxury we do not have, what we do have is the knowledge that God's timing is perfect. Leslie and I are confident in many things. One is that God has our child already chosen and another is that we won't wait one more day than we are suppose to. And to the control freak and ultimate planner that lives inside my skin, this is strangely comforting. There is little I can do except let God work and stay out of the way. Something I suspect my wife wishes I would do more often.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Cattle
I saw a news story this morning that referred to the death and last will of the infamous Leona Hemsley. This extremely wealthy hotel baroness was often referred to as the "Queen of Mean" and was known not only for her tyrannical behaviour but also for her extreme frugality. I am assuming it is partly due to her...let's just say it...cheap nature that when she died at the age of 87 she left behind a 2.7 billion dollar estate.
As hard as it is for most of us to imagine having that amount of money, it is even more difficult to comprehend what Mrs. Hemsley did with so much of it. Upon her death, 12 million dollars was bequeathed to her beloved maltise named Trouble. Yes, 12 million dollars left to a dog. Luckily, some common sense did later come into play when a judge reduced Trouble's inheritance from 12 million dollars to a measly 2 million dollars. This will allow $100,000 a year for his upkeep and security. You may think that $100,000 a year for security sounds a bit lavish, but considering two grandchildren were completely left out of the will for not naming any of there children after Mrs. Hemsley's late husband, I could imagine there are at least a few people who would be happy to see this dog in a not so great state.
Like the two grandchildren not included in the will, the majority of us common folk get up daily and go to work with the general understanding that we will probably never have millions of dollars at our disposal, and for most of us this is okay. We understand what the story above proves once again. The point that money cannot buy happiness or in this instance sanity.
However, I think we would all agree that there are times in our lives when having a couple extra million lying around would be very helpful.
One facet of the adoption that instantly created some anxiousness on the part of Leslie and myself was that of the monetary requirements it has. My inner dialogue over the past few months has consisted a lot of, "Where in the world are we going to come up with this kind of money?!" as well as reminding myself that all of us believers have been adopted into a family where our father owns the cattle on a thousand hills. So with this in mind we immediately began praying that God would sell a few of those cattle and drop some needed money into our laps. We both felt that the adoption path was one that God was leading us on and so it would only make sense for Him to give us all the resources, especially monetarily, that we needed to walk it. We told ourselves that we would proceed on with the adoption and not let money be a reason we slow down or wait. We would be wise with our resources and trust God to provide as He had so many times in the past.
This worked out great at first. Our first preliminary application had to be turned in with a small $50 fee. We wrote the check, put it in the mail, and waited to see what God would do. We were reassured that we were doing the right thing when that afternoon as our mailman picked up our check he left for us a $42.00 check in its place. "So this is how this is going to work," we thought. We will save and send in the money and God is going to give it back that day! Awesome!
Several weeks later, it was time to again send in a payment, this time much larger with our formal application. Due to the amount we looked carefully at our budget and made cuts where necessary. We wrote out the check, put it in the mailbox, and said to ourselves, "I can't wait to see what we are going to get today!" As we imagined our mailman did leave us a nice little surprise. This time, however, it was not a check but instead a surprise bill we were not expecting for almost the exact same amount we had just mailed off. Being human, I immediately went into a, "This is not how this was suppose to work" attitude. The door of doubt which I thought had been closed in me was immediately blown off of its hinges with the simple opening of an envelope. Looking back, I can't help but think of God often times shaking His head and laughing at how quickly our humanness can show through.
I did finally come to my senses and continued to reiterate to myself that God was still in control despite our present circumstances. In a way, I felt like a modern day Israelite wandering in the desert. Sure, He parts the Red Sea and sends down manna from heaven, but I still loose faith and grumble at the next encountered obstacle. So we continued to walk with our head hung a little lower and feeling slightly guilty for so quickly abandoning trust. Lucky for us, God still loves us, and I bet He even anticipates our feelings of frustration and abandonment.
At the end of last week, we found ourselves ready to move forward with the completion of more paperwork. This also required another payment, which just happens to be the largest to date. Leslie and I debated about when we felt financially okay about sending it in and continued to pray that God would send another one of those money cows over from His hills to help if possible.
And just when we needed it, He did.
This week God unexpectedly sent us exactly half the amount due with our next step. Through two different events in the span of four days He sent more cattle than we could have ever imagined. To say we were overcome with excitement at God's gift is an understatement. Instantly, something that seemed huge and difficult was transformed into smaller, manageable task.
Again this week, I have been made aware that trusting God is another important part of our journey. True, it is much harder some days than other, but it is always possible. If you're like me and most other people, I assume, you want to be shown the whole map of where you are going up front, before you leave. Of course, God doesn't always, and I dare say most of the time doesn't, work that way. Instead He shows us one step at a time. Not revealing to us what awaits around the corner, good or bad, until the last minute. In my heart, I know it is probably better this way. If we did know what lay ahead, some of us would probably never move.
I believe it is important to have anchor events in your life. Specific situations where God came through at just the right time. An event you can point to and remember during those times when it is just a little harder to trust. This past week has definitely become one of what I hope are many anchor events for our journey.
Who knows what will happen next? I don't, and, as of right now, I'm okay with that. Ask me again in a few days and you will probably get a much different, more frazzled answer. Chances are we will never stumble into 12 million dollars like Mrs. Hemsley's dog, but what I do know is that God's provision is always enough and always exactly what we need.
As hard as it is for most of us to imagine having that amount of money, it is even more difficult to comprehend what Mrs. Hemsley did with so much of it. Upon her death, 12 million dollars was bequeathed to her beloved maltise named Trouble. Yes, 12 million dollars left to a dog. Luckily, some common sense did later come into play when a judge reduced Trouble's inheritance from 12 million dollars to a measly 2 million dollars. This will allow $100,000 a year for his upkeep and security. You may think that $100,000 a year for security sounds a bit lavish, but considering two grandchildren were completely left out of the will for not naming any of there children after Mrs. Hemsley's late husband, I could imagine there are at least a few people who would be happy to see this dog in a not so great state.
Like the two grandchildren not included in the will, the majority of us common folk get up daily and go to work with the general understanding that we will probably never have millions of dollars at our disposal, and for most of us this is okay. We understand what the story above proves once again. The point that money cannot buy happiness or in this instance sanity.
However, I think we would all agree that there are times in our lives when having a couple extra million lying around would be very helpful.
One facet of the adoption that instantly created some anxiousness on the part of Leslie and myself was that of the monetary requirements it has. My inner dialogue over the past few months has consisted a lot of, "Where in the world are we going to come up with this kind of money?!" as well as reminding myself that all of us believers have been adopted into a family where our father owns the cattle on a thousand hills. So with this in mind we immediately began praying that God would sell a few of those cattle and drop some needed money into our laps. We both felt that the adoption path was one that God was leading us on and so it would only make sense for Him to give us all the resources, especially monetarily, that we needed to walk it. We told ourselves that we would proceed on with the adoption and not let money be a reason we slow down or wait. We would be wise with our resources and trust God to provide as He had so many times in the past.
This worked out great at first. Our first preliminary application had to be turned in with a small $50 fee. We wrote the check, put it in the mail, and waited to see what God would do. We were reassured that we were doing the right thing when that afternoon as our mailman picked up our check he left for us a $42.00 check in its place. "So this is how this is going to work," we thought. We will save and send in the money and God is going to give it back that day! Awesome!
Several weeks later, it was time to again send in a payment, this time much larger with our formal application. Due to the amount we looked carefully at our budget and made cuts where necessary. We wrote out the check, put it in the mailbox, and said to ourselves, "I can't wait to see what we are going to get today!" As we imagined our mailman did leave us a nice little surprise. This time, however, it was not a check but instead a surprise bill we were not expecting for almost the exact same amount we had just mailed off. Being human, I immediately went into a, "This is not how this was suppose to work" attitude. The door of doubt which I thought had been closed in me was immediately blown off of its hinges with the simple opening of an envelope. Looking back, I can't help but think of God often times shaking His head and laughing at how quickly our humanness can show through.
I did finally come to my senses and continued to reiterate to myself that God was still in control despite our present circumstances. In a way, I felt like a modern day Israelite wandering in the desert. Sure, He parts the Red Sea and sends down manna from heaven, but I still loose faith and grumble at the next encountered obstacle. So we continued to walk with our head hung a little lower and feeling slightly guilty for so quickly abandoning trust. Lucky for us, God still loves us, and I bet He even anticipates our feelings of frustration and abandonment.
At the end of last week, we found ourselves ready to move forward with the completion of more paperwork. This also required another payment, which just happens to be the largest to date. Leslie and I debated about when we felt financially okay about sending it in and continued to pray that God would send another one of those money cows over from His hills to help if possible.
And just when we needed it, He did.
This week God unexpectedly sent us exactly half the amount due with our next step. Through two different events in the span of four days He sent more cattle than we could have ever imagined. To say we were overcome with excitement at God's gift is an understatement. Instantly, something that seemed huge and difficult was transformed into smaller, manageable task.
Again this week, I have been made aware that trusting God is another important part of our journey. True, it is much harder some days than other, but it is always possible. If you're like me and most other people, I assume, you want to be shown the whole map of where you are going up front, before you leave. Of course, God doesn't always, and I dare say most of the time doesn't, work that way. Instead He shows us one step at a time. Not revealing to us what awaits around the corner, good or bad, until the last minute. In my heart, I know it is probably better this way. If we did know what lay ahead, some of us would probably never move.
I believe it is important to have anchor events in your life. Specific situations where God came through at just the right time. An event you can point to and remember during those times when it is just a little harder to trust. This past week has definitely become one of what I hope are many anchor events for our journey.
Who knows what will happen next? I don't, and, as of right now, I'm okay with that. Ask me again in a few days and you will probably get a much different, more frazzled answer. Chances are we will never stumble into 12 million dollars like Mrs. Hemsley's dog, but what I do know is that God's provision is always enough and always exactly what we need.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Just the Right Amount of Crazy
This has been a very active week in the adoption world for Leslie and I. We have been working hard to finish the final few appointments that we have to complete independently before we can turn in our paperwork.
It began on Tuesday when we had to go and meet with an infertility counselor. Yes, it is as exciting and fun as it sounds. With that under our belts, on Wednesday we were fingerprinted by the F.B.I. so they could further probe into our past lives. I am anticipating that this also comes back clean, and Leslie is indicating the same. However, she does always mention "What if there was a mistake" when we talk about it which has caused me to begin questioning what kind of activities she may have been involved in while living in Chattanooga.
Thursday, however, was by far the highlight of our week. It was on this day that we were scheduled to visit a therapist in Antioch for our psychological evaluation. We assumed that this visit would be to verify we were not crazy, nor that we were secretly hiding other personalities whom we seldom let come out. Contrary to what some may think, we feel rather sane most of the time so I assumed this would be a short appointment were we would answer a few questions, perhaps put together a puzzle, and then be on our merry way.
You can imagine our surprise when the counselor called and asked us to come in two hours before our scheduled appointment for some written test. Two hours!? Written test!? What kind of test could possibly take two hours and still need to be followed by an hour face-to-face interview with Leslie and me? I immediately began to wonder if something had sent a red flag to our agency. Perhaps it was a person who had written a referral for us. Had I pulled one to many jokes? Did I do something stupid one to many times? Did they catch wind that I would have preferred Hillary Clinton to Barack Obama? WHAT COULD IT BE!?
Turns out that the test they administered was normal, and they just had not mentioned it to us in the beginning. Whew! As for now all of our secrets are safe.
We took three test to prove our mental stability today. The first was a series of thirty questions on how we handle stressful situations. I think we did fine, but I am glad he never noticed my fingernails which had recently been completed chewed off.
The second test was a list of twenty adjectives that we had to put a check mark next to if it described us, and then repeat the test for our spouse. Though Leslie and I had to complete it separately, conversations we had afterwards leads us to believe we were very similar in our answers. Two tests down...one to go.
The final test was the doozy. It consisted of 567 (yes, that is correct 567) true and false questions. Sure it was better than 567 essay question or even short answer questions, but it was still daunting and very time consuming, and the small blister on my right hand is my proof.
I will admit that I don't completely know what all they were checking for in this final test. The questions were of a wide range and I had to spend some time thinking carefully about each one. Because Leslie and I are committed to sharing this experience with you, I wanted to let you in on a few of the questions just in case you ever find yourself in this experience. Please remember that this is just a small portion of the 567 questions, but everyone of them are actual true/false questions from the test.
It began on Tuesday when we had to go and meet with an infertility counselor. Yes, it is as exciting and fun as it sounds. With that under our belts, on Wednesday we were fingerprinted by the F.B.I. so they could further probe into our past lives. I am anticipating that this also comes back clean, and Leslie is indicating the same. However, she does always mention "What if there was a mistake" when we talk about it which has caused me to begin questioning what kind of activities she may have been involved in while living in Chattanooga.
Thursday, however, was by far the highlight of our week. It was on this day that we were scheduled to visit a therapist in Antioch for our psychological evaluation. We assumed that this visit would be to verify we were not crazy, nor that we were secretly hiding other personalities whom we seldom let come out. Contrary to what some may think, we feel rather sane most of the time so I assumed this would be a short appointment were we would answer a few questions, perhaps put together a puzzle, and then be on our merry way.
You can imagine our surprise when the counselor called and asked us to come in two hours before our scheduled appointment for some written test. Two hours!? Written test!? What kind of test could possibly take two hours and still need to be followed by an hour face-to-face interview with Leslie and me? I immediately began to wonder if something had sent a red flag to our agency. Perhaps it was a person who had written a referral for us. Had I pulled one to many jokes? Did I do something stupid one to many times? Did they catch wind that I would have preferred Hillary Clinton to Barack Obama? WHAT COULD IT BE!?
Turns out that the test they administered was normal, and they just had not mentioned it to us in the beginning. Whew! As for now all of our secrets are safe.
We took three test to prove our mental stability today. The first was a series of thirty questions on how we handle stressful situations. I think we did fine, but I am glad he never noticed my fingernails which had recently been completed chewed off.
The second test was a list of twenty adjectives that we had to put a check mark next to if it described us, and then repeat the test for our spouse. Though Leslie and I had to complete it separately, conversations we had afterwards leads us to believe we were very similar in our answers. Two tests down...one to go.
The final test was the doozy. It consisted of 567 (yes, that is correct 567) true and false questions. Sure it was better than 567 essay question or even short answer questions, but it was still daunting and very time consuming, and the small blister on my right hand is my proof.
I will admit that I don't completely know what all they were checking for in this final test. The questions were of a wide range and I had to spend some time thinking carefully about each one. Because Leslie and I are committed to sharing this experience with you, I wanted to let you in on a few of the questions just in case you ever find yourself in this experience. Please remember that this is just a small portion of the 567 questions, but everyone of them are actual true/false questions from the test.
- I would like to be a forest ranger. (I had never really thought about it, but it could be fun)
- No one knows this, but I tried to kill myself (I have a big mouth - trust me you would know)
- I am fascinated with fire. (Heads up, Tara)
- I hear voices when no one else is around (I wasn't sure if hearing mom's voice every time I walk by my unmade bed counted)
- Members of my family have short tempers (I won't tell you what I put, but I did think of Lindsay and the Best Western in Virginia)
- I would enjoy being a singer (who wouldn't?)
- People tell me I walk in my sleep. (Again, Tara...)
- I often worry about locked doors and windows upon leaving my house. (Leslie laughed out loud at this one since my OCD forces me to check the doors multiple times, and now, thanks to the test, the windows, too.)
- People tell me I eat too fast. (I wanted to write, "I'm a Duke; if I don't eat NOW it will be gone!" but there was no space for it)
- I want to cause harm to those I love. (Watch out!)
- I would like to wear expensive clothing. (What kind of question is this? Who doesn't want to wear expensive clothing?)
- At times I feel like swearing. (Does this very instant count?)
- I enjoy repairing door latches. (Believe it or not, I have done this...and, yes, I did enjoy it.)
- I enjoy seeing animals tormented. (Now everyone knows we are not animal people, but I don't want to see them tormented. It's not like I would take a rat I find in my house, catch in a paper bag and stick it under the wheel of my car! I mean come on! Who would do that?)
- I hate my whole family. (I had to mark this one false due to the key word "whole"...just kidding I marked it true)
As I mentioned before, the two and a half hours of testing were followed by an hour interview with two therapist who again wanted to know our story and how we got to where we are today. Luckily, we are getting very good at that part. The therapist never gave us the test results or hinted as to whether we passed or failed, but told us we could see them once they were delivered to our agency. So now we simply sit and wait to see if we are mentally capable of parenting a child. It is comforting to know that crazy people can't have children.....
.....unless they are fertile.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Lesson One: Lingo
As Trey mentioned in the last posting, I can't believe this is where we are. I often look around and feel very confident that, in His all-knowing, all-seeing wisdom, God just got this one wrong. I can sit and smile at that thought now because I realize it is completely ridiculous and wonderfully human, so we are working on the assuming God is right part.
So, as many of you know, I have been a patient for 15 months now, and my precious husband has been at every appointment with me. Going to the doctor every few months to see if this pregnancy will stick, why I am not getting pregnant, and (my favorite) to search for abnormalities in my DNA that would prevent reproduction. After countless blood draws, uncomfortable exams, and many, many tears, we are no closer to understanding the source of my infertility, a term that, no matter how many times they say it at those meetings, stabs you in the gut every time. So, we sit on the cusp of joining a fraternity of people that we know nothing about -- adoptive parents.
I think this blog would be a great place for everyone to share in the learning that we have enjoyed at our meetings. Since few of you readers have experienced the adoption world, I would like to share with you some things that I have learned. Don't worry, if you get "the lingo" wrong, I will not jump down your throat, but, I am surprised at how I have realized the importance of using the correct wording -- for us and our baby. So, some things we have learned: Birth mothers "make an adoption plan" for their children or "choose to parent"; they do not "give up" or "keep" them. I am the "real mother" and Trey is the "real father"; birth parents are called the "biological" or "birth mother/father". You may find it silly that I am teaching you this wording, however you never know when a very sensitive birth mother may take offense as she did with the question posed by the unsuspecting prospective adoptive parent sitting behind us at our fist meeting. That exchange has led to my permanent vow of silence while at meetings. If I have a question, I whisper it to Trey and throw him in front of the firing squad.
So, as many of you know, I have been a patient for 15 months now, and my precious husband has been at every appointment with me. Going to the doctor every few months to see if this pregnancy will stick, why I am not getting pregnant, and (my favorite) to search for abnormalities in my DNA that would prevent reproduction. After countless blood draws, uncomfortable exams, and many, many tears, we are no closer to understanding the source of my infertility, a term that, no matter how many times they say it at those meetings, stabs you in the gut every time. So, we sit on the cusp of joining a fraternity of people that we know nothing about -- adoptive parents.
I think this blog would be a great place for everyone to share in the learning that we have enjoyed at our meetings. Since few of you readers have experienced the adoption world, I would like to share with you some things that I have learned. Don't worry, if you get "the lingo" wrong, I will not jump down your throat, but, I am surprised at how I have realized the importance of using the correct wording -- for us and our baby. So, some things we have learned: Birth mothers "make an adoption plan" for their children or "choose to parent"; they do not "give up" or "keep" them. I am the "real mother" and Trey is the "real father"; birth parents are called the "biological" or "birth mother/father". You may find it silly that I am teaching you this wording, however you never know when a very sensitive birth mother may take offense as she did with the question posed by the unsuspecting prospective adoptive parent sitting behind us at our fist meeting. That exchange has led to my permanent vow of silence while at meetings. If I have a question, I whisper it to Trey and throw him in front of the firing squad.
As for the process, Trey and I are about to turn in our paperwork, go to our infertility counseling, have our psychological evaluation, and begin our home study. As soon as our home study is finished, we will be "on the waiting list." This means that our agency will send out our profile, which most of you will be in, and we could be selected by a birth mother. This is a thought that makes me want to cry with joy and throw up with fear -- probably not very different from those who have waited for your biological children.
Our prayer right now is that the birth mother feels comforted and guided through this difficult time, the agency sees our heart through the technicality of paperwork and understands our desire to be parents, and our baby(-ies) are protected. God is challenging me to place my concerns with him continually as the prenatal care of my children is completely out of my hands. I can only trust that He will watch over my children for me as I cannot.
The Journey Begins
I am amazed at how often in life we find ourselves in places or situations that we would have never dreamed would be part of our life's biography. I truly believe that most people, rather consciously or not, make a plan for their life and expect that things will follow that plan. However, the more life experiences I have, the more I realize that things seldom, if ever, follow our perfect plans.
The path Leslie and I took to marriage is one of those instances. Looking back on our time growing up together it only seems natural now that we would get married and share our whole lives. Yet had you told either one of us in the year or so before we began dating what lay ahead the thought of it all would had probably brought an "oh yeah, whatever" or at the very least a chuckle. Yet here we are married almost three years, homeowners, and verging ever closer to the end of our twenties.
The concept of things not playing out like you expected is where Leslie and I find ourselves today. For the past 15 months we have ridden the roller coaster of emotions in our attempt to start a family. Never in a million years did either one of us dream that having a biological child would prove difficult for us. I think the assumption was that since we both wanted children so badly and since we would provide a good home it would be an easy process. We knew we would be good parents. Many a night was spent watching "Wife Swap" or "Super Nanny" utterly stupefied at the lack of common sense that it seemed so many people had when it came to raising a child. So when things did not work for us like we had anticipated we were both shocked and confused at what we were going through often times denying that this was really happening to us. We were good people who wanted to raise and love a child and the answer seemed to keep being no.
It was while we were stumbling down this path that we began to feel the pull towards adoption. Again, never having dreamed that we would find ourselves here, we had given it little thought. The more we talked with other couples who had adopted and researched the process, the more convinced we became that this is where God wanted us. Ultimately, we found that adoption was so important that even if we had a biological child adoption would still be in our future.
So we have officially begin walking down the road to adoption. It may not be where we thought we would walk, but, all the same, here we are. We have submitted a formal application, began attending training sessions, and started filling out a mound of paperwork that makes signing for a house look easy (by the way to our dismay babies are not given out as door prizes at the training sessions as we had hoped). We have felt a charge of energy knowing that we have begun the journey of bringing home a baby, a surge of resentment in having to work so hard in proving ourselves worthy of parenthood, and a sense of fear at the shear cost of adopting a child. We have been excited, overwhelmed, emotional, and scared, and we have only just begun.
Our pastor made the comment last week that when you don't understand God it is best to assume He is right. I have a feeling that this very well may become our mantra for this journey. Leslie and I know that He already has a baby (or as we are hoping babies) picked out for us. All the same, it is scary walking down a path that you have never been down before.
The purpose of this blog is to allow each of you to walk this journey with us. So many of you have been such a huge support to us over the past year, and we want to share this part of our lives with you as well. We begin with this first blog entry by asking for your prayers. Not only do we ask that you pray for us and our journey but also for our future child and for the journey the birth mother finds herself or will soon find herself walking.
Our God is a faithful God, and I often have to keep reminding myself that He sees the full picture of our life when we see only a small bit. We are thankful for the journey and for what I know we will learn about ourselves and our God along the way.
The path Leslie and I took to marriage is one of those instances. Looking back on our time growing up together it only seems natural now that we would get married and share our whole lives. Yet had you told either one of us in the year or so before we began dating what lay ahead the thought of it all would had probably brought an "oh yeah, whatever" or at the very least a chuckle. Yet here we are married almost three years, homeowners, and verging ever closer to the end of our twenties.
The concept of things not playing out like you expected is where Leslie and I find ourselves today. For the past 15 months we have ridden the roller coaster of emotions in our attempt to start a family. Never in a million years did either one of us dream that having a biological child would prove difficult for us. I think the assumption was that since we both wanted children so badly and since we would provide a good home it would be an easy process. We knew we would be good parents. Many a night was spent watching "Wife Swap" or "Super Nanny" utterly stupefied at the lack of common sense that it seemed so many people had when it came to raising a child. So when things did not work for us like we had anticipated we were both shocked and confused at what we were going through often times denying that this was really happening to us. We were good people who wanted to raise and love a child and the answer seemed to keep being no.
It was while we were stumbling down this path that we began to feel the pull towards adoption. Again, never having dreamed that we would find ourselves here, we had given it little thought. The more we talked with other couples who had adopted and researched the process, the more convinced we became that this is where God wanted us. Ultimately, we found that adoption was so important that even if we had a biological child adoption would still be in our future.
So we have officially begin walking down the road to adoption. It may not be where we thought we would walk, but, all the same, here we are. We have submitted a formal application, began attending training sessions, and started filling out a mound of paperwork that makes signing for a house look easy (by the way to our dismay babies are not given out as door prizes at the training sessions as we had hoped). We have felt a charge of energy knowing that we have begun the journey of bringing home a baby, a surge of resentment in having to work so hard in proving ourselves worthy of parenthood, and a sense of fear at the shear cost of adopting a child. We have been excited, overwhelmed, emotional, and scared, and we have only just begun.
Our pastor made the comment last week that when you don't understand God it is best to assume He is right. I have a feeling that this very well may become our mantra for this journey. Leslie and I know that He already has a baby (or as we are hoping babies) picked out for us. All the same, it is scary walking down a path that you have never been down before.
The purpose of this blog is to allow each of you to walk this journey with us. So many of you have been such a huge support to us over the past year, and we want to share this part of our lives with you as well. We begin with this first blog entry by asking for your prayers. Not only do we ask that you pray for us and our journey but also for our future child and for the journey the birth mother finds herself or will soon find herself walking.
Our God is a faithful God, and I often have to keep reminding myself that He sees the full picture of our life when we see only a small bit. We are thankful for the journey and for what I know we will learn about ourselves and our God along the way.
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