Phone Calls and Waiting

Much like this blog, our lives have been very quiet since we finally became an approved couple in November. To be completely honest the time has gone by pretty quickly. Leslie and I seemed to slip back into a regular routine of work and weekends, and we were no longer busy preparing documents or portfolios for our agency. The adoption was never far from our minds, and we often found ourselves discussing the when and ideal time tables. However, with nothing to do but wait you find that life goes on. It has been almost two months since we made it into "The Book," and as I said it has been quiet.


Our dormant process erupted last week however when we received the first call from our agency. Our case worker told us of a possible situation and asked us to pray and consider if we would like to have our portfolio shown. Normally, this call doesn't happen. In a typical scenerio, your profile is shown, and you are only notified if chosen. However, due to some special circumstances one being the fact that the baby was already born and several weeks old we received the call first. Leslie and I stood in the cycling room at the YMCA (the only available secluded spot) and talked with our case worker and then to each other. Suddenly, this dream we have had and this thing we had been working so hard for could be literally just days away from happening.


After we confirmed that we did want our profile shown the emotions that we had been feeling for so long came rushing back. With them came many new feelings as the reality of it all seemed so close. For me it much like the feelings when Leslie became pregnant before our first miscarriage. We had been trying and were excited, but when it actually happened fear of "are we ready for this?" snuck in. I'm assuming this is something felt by every prospective parent, adoptive or biological.


That night as we prayed our ritual prayer of safety for our baby and birthmother, it was no longer just a blanket statement. For the first time we had a possible real person in mind and a real baby already on this earth that could be ours.


Ultimately, we learned that we were not chosen for this placement. It is somewhat hard not to take it personnally, but we are trying very to keep a God perspective on it all. Leslie and I have said all along that we know there is a baby out there for us, and that is the baby we want. Wading through the ones that aren't for us can be emotional though.


It is all so much different than what I would have imagined. The process of receiving a call from the agency, hearing the listing of all the specifics of the situation, and then having to make a decision on whether or not you want to be included in the process. Naturally it opens itself up to fear. Fear of the what-ifs and are we sure. It's very hard for me to explain so I know it must be hard for others who have not walked this path to imagine.


The reality of getting so close was a real mixture of joy and fear. We now find ourselves dealing not just with the emotions of parenting a child, but with the additional emotions associated with adoption. The process of hearing the background information on the birthparents, the worries of how it will affect your soon to be child, and the fact that so much is out of your control. We can't make sure the birthmother takes her vitamins or doesn't miss any of her appointments. We can't moniter her food and beverage intake or make sure she is getting enough rest. So much is out of our hands. We knew all of this going in, and we had considered it all before. However when you are now dealing with real people it takes on a new life.


So we are left to simply trust. We have to remind ourselves that there is really nothing in our lives that we control, and when we as Christians surrender our lives to God we are giving him authority over all parts. Even the parts that seem like a biological right. I am trying daily to reconcile faith and fear. Faith in an almighty God who loves us and is not just concerned, but as our pastor said, overly concerned with our well-being, and the fear of the unknown.


Now we have received a second notification that our profile will be shown to another prospective birthparent. We are so excited that we are moving closer to the day we will have a family yet again faced with situations that we are powerless to control. So we wait, we pray, we plan what we can, and we daily sing to ourselves,


Jesus, Jesus, how I trust thee
How I've proved you o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus, Precious Jesus
O for grace to trust thee more.