The Hokey Pokey

When we started this blog, we thought that we would both write in it, but I quickly recognized that my husband’s quick wit and unique humor (for which I fell in love with him) greatly outshined any ability I have for writing. And, I think I didn’t realize how difficult it would be to express my feelings about all this.

So, I thought, “When I have something to write, I’ll write. Until then, I will let Trey express how we are feeling as a couple on this journey.”

First of all, I love that we are calling it a journey. That is what the agency keeps calling it; that is how the “adoption people” always refer to it. More often than not, I feel like we were on a journey – we were going to have a family the old fashioned way— Trey had the itinerary ready, our bags were packed, and the camera was around our neck, but that ship sailed without us. Now, we are left trying to find another way to our destination -- our luggage is lost; we are tired and irritable; someone stole our camera, and I just want to get there already. “Journey” sounds much nicer, though, and I know that once we get where we are going, we will LOVE that we have this story to tell. Sort of like Lara, my sister, whose husband forgot to pack her clothes for their honeymoon cruise. She was mad, but I know, secretly, she enjoys telling the story that she got from it.

Most of the time I am okay. Really. Trey and I have a wonderful life together. We laugh, we love doing the same things, we explore new places, we read, we talk, we play with other people’s kids and hand them back when their diaper is dirty…we are truly happy. Most of the time this is just a nagging thought in the back of my mind. Not because I don’t desperately want a child but because there is nothing that I can do to make that happen sooner. One thing I have learned is you can only do so much, then it is up to God.

However, today I saw a concrete manifestation of my deep and powerful desire for a baby, and it nearly knocked the breath out of me.

I was sitting on a weight machine at the Y. Although I work out just about everyday, most of you know that I would rather go…well anywhere else. I was resting between sets (see it sounds like I know what I am doing there), and I looked out into the lobby of the Y. It was almost 5:00, and people were getting off work to bring little ones to their indoor soccer tournament. One mother in particular caught my eye as she was struggling to put a uniform on one child and wrangle the other smaller ones in. As she put the uniform on her daughter, a little boy stood behind her waiting. Suddenly, a smile broke across his face, and he began singing (I couldn’t hear what he was singing, but we all know the words). He started with his right foot in and his right foot out. I caught on when his right foot was “shakin’ all about.” He proceeded to do the entire Hokey Pokey – arms, legs, head, even rear end entered and exited the imaginary circle. He must have been to the skating rink lately because his movements were shaky as though he was attempting this on skates.

I don’t know what it was about the Hokey Pokey boy in particular that made that stabbing pain of wanting a child so badly shoot through me in that too familiar way, but I do know I promised myself that my children would feel safe and happy enough to do the Hokey Pokey in the middle of the lobby at the Y or anywhere else without a care in the world.